i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
