Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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