It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
