Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
