We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
