No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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