Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
