I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
