I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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