pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
