got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
