We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
