the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
