As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
