I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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