i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
