This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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