I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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