The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
