she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
