ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
