Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
