I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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