what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
