Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
