6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
