I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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