It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
