the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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