Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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