we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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