I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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