I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
