he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
