Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
