ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
