Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
