i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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