her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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