...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
