I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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