My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
