ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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