We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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