the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
