I am puke
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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