i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
