remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
