Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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