fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
